This is who I am.

A friend and I were recently talking and the topic of identity came up. We came up with this conclusion through our conversation: The qualities about ourselves that we are the most critical of and/or dislike the most about ourselves are actually the ones that those around us are most blessed by. They are the things they love the most about us. After coming to this conclusion, I began to re-evaluate what qualities I like and dislike about myself and talk to God about it. Here is what I discovered: The two greatest things that I dislike the most about myself are that I am vulnerable and talk too much. I have had people tell me that my vulnerability has enabled them to be more vulnerable, that it actually brought them breakthrough. I constantly feel like I'm posting too many things on Facebook, but people continually tell me that they love everything that I post and enjoy reading it all. I often feel like I talk too much and always feel bad when I get off the phone with a friend, or finish a coffee date with someone, and realize that I talked the entire time and didn't walk away knowing too much about how they are doing. However, I am learning to embrace these qualities about myself rather than be frustrated with them. The truth is this is who I am. This is how God created me. He loves it when I am vulnerable, when I post revelations and encouraging quotes or words on Facebook, and He loves hearing me talk. It's pretty hard for me to imagine all of this, but it is true! After all "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it. Psalm 139:14"  I am certainly learning how to talk less and listen more, but I need to not be hard on myself for talking more than listening, because this is who I am. This is how He created me to be. And when I am free to be me, it blesses those around me. Another thing I am learning about myself is that I am a processor. And, often times I process things out loud as I am talking with a friend. Therefore, I get encouraged and strengthened as I am talking with a friend about a situation or what God is teaching me, and they do as well. Those friends of mine who know me REALLY well expect nothing less of me than to talk a majority of the time when I am around them. (Thank you, friends, for receiving me as I am and always being a listening ear!!) And almost always these same friends affirm me in my chatterbox-ness.

Another thing I am learning is not to apologize for who I am. So often I feel the need to say "sorry" for little things and for being myself. There's something wrong with that picture. Truth is, God made me to be considerate of others and sensitive, but that doesn't mean I need to apologize every single moment, even for unnecessary things. Tonight I heard someone say something along these lines at a ministry meeting "When we are who we are individually to the fullest, without apologies, the kingdom of God can be freely released." That totally makes sense! I know that when I am free to be who God made me to be to the fullest, those around me are getting blessed by me simply being instead of doing. Another way of saying it is this: The best gift you to can be to those around you is to be completely yourself. We spend too much time comparing ourselves to others. We spend too much time looking at those around us and wanting to be more like them. But why? This only leads to envy, which does not bring about good fruit in our lives. God knows each of us so well because He created each one of us. He knows what we can and can't handle. He knows what we will face before we face it. He knows what is to come for us. He believes in us. He knows what we each need the most. Therefore, I believe He distinctly placed each of us where we are today to be who we are. I think it's time we start embracing those qualities about ourselves that we tend to dislike. It's time we stop looking at everyone else and start seeing ourselves as God sees us.

I also want to acknowledge that my life isn't perfect. From an outsider's perspective, it could appear that way. But, the truth is, it's not. Although I've had the privilege to travel to many places as a missionary and receiving equipping for ministry, my life isn't perfect. I am actually a "home body" and enjoy the mixture of weather that San Diego has. I never saw myself moving anywhere else. However, God turned my world upside down in 2010 and as soon as I said "yes" to Him in going anywhere, He hasn't kept me still. Even though some of my trips have only been a couple of weeks, it has still required me to raise funds (asking people for money is never fun or easy) and leave the comforts of my own friends, family, and privileges that come with living in a first world country. As a missionary, I never fully feel settled when I am living at home because I feel like I don't fit in. I am learning how to adapt better and adjust as I come and go, but my life is definitely not the same as most 25-year old girls. A majority of my closest friends are married and have children. I received my teaching credential, but I hardly use it. I substitute teach on occasion during the times that I am home and school is in session, but I cannot imagine myself being a full-time teacher at this point in my life. Sometimes, it is difficult for me to accept even still that my life has totally transformed and I am not living by the standards of this world because my hunger for God and His will for my life far outweighs doing what "I'm supposed to be doing". All that being said, although my challenges and trials in life may not seem like much in comparison to yours, they have been difficult for me personally. And I'm not sharing full detail of what I'm currently facing because it is too personal. .Despite all of the above though, don't get me wrong. I do believe the scripture that says "Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." Hebrews 11:6 I believe my ability to travel and the blessings in my life are due to the fact that I have sincerely sought the Lord for quite some time now, and he is rewarding me. God really is so good to us and that is His heart.

I want to conclude with one last thing...

This is who I am...

I am beautiful. With and without make-up. No matter how I feel. No matter how much I weigh. No matter what I believe. I am beautiful simply because He says I am beautiful.

This picture was taken at the end of the day, after I took off my make-up, because my beauty is not defined by whether or not I am wearing make-up, but it is defined by what God says about me. My identity is not in the make-up or clothes I wear (and trust me, I love 'getting pretty" and being girly). My identity is in who He says I am. And this is what He says: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way." Song of Songs 4:7