A Change of Heart

This post is not about God changing my heart for anything big. It is something about plans I had for this weekend and how God changed the desires of my heart to different plans and taught me a lot through it. I hope it brings encouragement to you in some way, as I'm trying to only write blogs that are inspired by God and lessons that He teaches me as I pursue Him.

So, I bought tickets a couple of weeks ago to go to a chirstian conference this weekend. The conference is Thursday night, Friday 9am-10pm, and Saturday 9am-10pm. When I saw the pamplet for the conference in my church bulletin, I immediately wanted to go based on the title "Open Heavens." My desire is to go deeper with God and Heaven has been on my mind a lot for quite some time. I checked my calendar and I was off work during the scheduled conference. Perfect, I thought! It must be meant to be. (My hours vary with work often so I figured because I was off work during those days, God must have wanted me to go because I was available to go) So, I quickly registered online. I honestly don't even remember if I asked God i fthis is something I should be doing.

Before I even go further, let me explain how crazy to you this week has been. If you didn't know, I am a nanny for an adorable one-year old girl and her parents are a firefighter and police officer, so I work long shifts and my hours are unique. This was the last week her mom was on the night shift, so I had to watch the little girl overnight twice. I worked Monday 6am-Tuesday 11am. Then again on Wednesday from 545am-Thursday 1:00p.m. Then the conference is Thursday night-Saturday night. And I'm going to Knotts Berry Farm with family friends on Sunday. Work a 12 hour day on Monday and Tuesday a half day. So, I don't really get a break until Tuesday afternoon. Are you overwhelmed yet by my crazy, busy schedule? I was stressed before the week even began, as you can imagine. I may be 25 and single, but somehow my schedule gets filled up so quickly and busyness gets in the way of my relationship with God. This brings me to why I am currently sharing this with you and not at the conference that I paid for to be at this weekend...

I actually went last night for the first session and it was good. Worship, teaching, and a personal encounter with God. However, as I was on my way home, I had a desire not to return to the conference this weekend. I wondered where this came from and why my desires were beginning to change. As I got home at midnight, I knew I didn't want to get up early to be at the conference when the next session started at 9am in Santee. I needed sleep and I wanted personal time with Jesus. So, I went to bed with the intention of returning to the conference at 1:30pm today for session # 3. Little did I know I would continue to have a change of heart overnight. Literally.

This morning I woke up, had some personal time with God, went for a run (I'm training for a 5K) and then got ready. The clock kept ticking and soon I realized that I wasn't going to make it in time for the 1:30pm session today. I honestly had no desire to go but I kept questioning myself. *Sometimes, we don't feel like going to something and that is a signal that we really need to be there because God has something great for us and Satan is trying to do all he can to keep us from receiving that (this is an example of spirutal warfare because we are in a spiritual battle as christians). I don't believe this is what I was experiencing though, because I believe God would be revealing that to me by speaking to me saying GO. *Other times, God changes the desires of your heart because He has something else He wants us to be a part of. I believe this is what I was experiencing as I have continued to seek the Lord and hear His voice regarding what to do about this conference. Here are a couple of important things I want you to take note of:

(1) God began telling me after last night's session that I don't need to go to this conference to go deeper with Him. In fact, He can "open Heavens" for me if I seek Him for it.
(2) God was reminding me of how often I become too busy and don't take time to stop and listen to His voice or process things He speaks to me or pray into things He's revealed to me regarding my future
(3) After registering for this conference, I discovered that there are 3 things I will be missing out on because of it- A Night of Surrender (worship night) with Henry Haney, a benefit concert for Zimbabwe that Pastor Gayelee is speaking at, and His Hands and Feet Christian Ministry, which is one of my main communities and fellowships that I participate in and is only twice a month.

After hearing all these things from God, the battle in my heart and mind continued. I didn't want to go to the conference but I did pay for it and again questioned if I heard God previously tell me to go or not when I registered. I wondered if I'm going to miss out on something if I don't go that God might have for me there. Then I remembered the Night of Surrender is tonight and would be good for me. I was torn and didn't know what to do. This is where I'd like to use a lifeline and call a friend. :) I thought to myself, who can I talk to about my dilema that will help me get to the root of it and make a decision? I knew exactly who to call, and she had just the amount of time I needed and words to share to encourage me! (thank you! You know who you are) This woman knows me so well and she's always able to get right to the root of my messiness and speak bluntly (but it's always truth and motivated in love) which is why I knew she'd be perfect! Her response was this Katie, no matter what decision you make, it's going to be good. Both options are good. I think you are overanalyzing it way too much. Stop that and take a deep breath and be still for a moment. Ask God which one is better for you and if He tells you, great! If He doesn't tell you, then do what you want. You can't make a bad choice. Either place you go will have a good outcome for you."  And then we got off the phone and I cried for a short amount of time. I thought to myself Wow, I'm really worked up about something so small? This is so silly. God. I'm sorry. Thank you for speaking to me and using my friend to help get my attention.

After this I decided that I'm not going to go to the conference today and I am going to go to the Night of Surrender and that is my final answer! Haha. Why? Because that is the desire of my heart, which changed overnight. And, because I want to. *You see, God delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. But I still felt a struggle with this decision. (Really, even after all this? YES! The enemy never stops working, but God is always there and all we have to do is get into His Presence to receive His persepective) I couldn't believe that I literally posted on facebook "sad to be missing A Night of Surrender and HHFCM but I know God has something amazing planned for me at the conference" *Maybe God's big thing was teaching me this lesson that will be helpful in the future when it comes to other things that come up in my life and decision making. How could it change so quickly? I also found I was mostly concerned with what other people would think of me (this is a weakness of mine). The Lord reminded me that I'll never see the people at the conference again so I don't have to worry about that. And really, the truth is, God doesn't make sense. So, if I, or anyone is trying to be logical about this change of heart I've had overnight, I/they won't understand or agree with it. I'm still learning (as it clearly took time today to discover all this and make a decision) how to let go of what's logical and live in what's supernatural. But, I'm so thankful that GOd is teaching me all of this. I want me life to be led by the Holy Spirit and not logic. Here are some lessons I learned from all of this. I hope it brings you encouragement, too.

(1) Listen and obey God's voice, no matter if it's logical or not. (it won't be logical) haha I guess no matter what
(2) Ask God if you should do something before you do it
(3) God will use whatever goes on in your life for good even if you go against His will (I know last night had a purpose and today I gained so much from this experience)
(4) Don't get caught up in the busyness of life. Take time to stop, breathe, be still, listen, and process with God.