There's been this ickyness in me that I don't like. I've had it before, but usually it's something I get upset about and keep it internal. This time it is a constant feeling of dissatisfaction. I know God wants more of me, but I spend some time in His Word and quickly move on. Maybe that's why I feel this way.
Even when I am around people I feel different. I receive things they say to me differently, too. God is telling me to keep things between me and Him only and it is hard not to share my true feelings with someone other than God. I have been hurt by conversations with friends that didn't go as I would have anticipated which brought about discouragement. After praying, God was faithful to answer me. I recognize the many blessings surrounding my friends lives and I find myself envious of each of them. I want to be able to share something exciting and here I am in this strange season, trying to sort out my experience in Ghana.
Shortly after writing out my thoughts more in depth in my journal, I asked God for His perspective and the following is what He shared with me.
Katie,
Don't you know you are set apart and unable to relate to everyone because I have you on a unique path? Stop getting so stressed and worked up about things internally. Step back, take a deep breath, and relax. Do what you enjoy. Stop looking at your friends lives and being envious. This season may feel lonely and painful, but it's still coming no matter what. You can respond to it however you choose. Remember, though, that I am always here with you and you can hear My voice. Don't forget the things I've already revealed to you- stay close to Me, include Me in everything, and rely on Me...because it is just you and Me. If you would stop looking to others and start looking to me first, you will be satisfied. Enjoy and embrace this unknown season. Otherwise you will look back and regret all the stress. Don't juggle so much and enjoy what you are doing in the moment. Prayer is so important in combating the enemy. Resist him and he will flee from you.
Then I heard these few songs on pandora on my sister's computer.
1) Satisfy- Tenth Avenue North
Satisfy me Lord oh oh
I'm begging you to help me see
Your all I want
Your all I need
Oh satisfy me Lord
In me, oh Lord, can you create
A pure heart cause I'm afraid
I just might run back to the things I hate
Your beautiful, your beautiful
Your more than all this world can give
Your beautiful, your beautiful
Your love is all I need to live
2) I Am Yours- The Afters
I can walk across the world and
Never find the answer
I could search the sky above
And never get any closer
You made it all
And I will have to fall
At the feet of the One
Who fell for me
You gave your life for mine
I have me by your side
I won't look back anymore
Now that I, I am yours
You'll never say goodbye
You're the reason why
I won't look back anymore
Now that I, I am yours
I am Yours I belong to You
I am Yours You and you alone
I am Yours I belong to You
I am Yours You and you alone
All the rest can disappear
Without any traces
I have nothing left to fear
As long as your face is
All I can see
You are all I need
Every breath, every step
You're here with me
3) Can't Get Away- Rush of Fools
I am an arrow
I am a rocket
I am a river
Nothing can stop it
Cause you are the target
And you are the atmosphere
You are the ocean
That keeps pulling me,
You're pulling me here
And I, can't get away
can't get away, can't get away
I keep running into you
I am so helpless
God, you are so able
And when I get turned around
You change my direction
You are so perfect
I am so broken
Here you come with arms wide open
Chasing after me down every road
You're always waiting there
Even when I close my eyes
I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide
You're such a part of me
Another thing I've noticed about myself is that I point fingers at someone else easily. And often times, when I accuse someone of something it ends up coming right back at me when God humbles me and shows me that I struggle with the exact same problem.
Unhappy. That's a pretty clear way to describe how I feel lately. I'm up and down. Nothing really brings me joy like it used to. I am not thinking before I speak, which is unlike me.
From the book I was reading about David:
Themes in David's life:
1) When times are tough, God is our only security. (2 Samuel 22:2-3)
2) When our days are dark, the Lord is our only light. (2 Samuel 22: 21-31)
3) When our walk is weak, the Lord is our only strength. (2 Samuel 22: 32-40)
4) When our future is foggy, the Lord is our only hope. (2 Samuel 22:50-51)
Also from the book a quote from Charles Allen:
"When a person is suddenly alone, often panic and fear come. I distinctly remember my mother saying to me after my father's death. 'I cannot go on without him. I depend upon him for everything.' My mother believed that, but she did go on without him...I feel that the most creative years of my mother's life were the years when she was forced to depend upon herself. She had her anxious moments, but somewhere along the way she learned the old expression 'Life by the yard is hard, but life by the inch is a cinch'. "
Further in the book the author states:
"We Christians, I have observed, frequently have trouble believing He is our only hope, security, light, and strength because we are so prone to try everything else. We automatically depend on everything except the Lord. Yet still He waits there for us- patiently waiting to show Himself strong."
"Soft heart and thick skin. That's the ticket, plain and simple. Not sensitive skin, so delicate that the slightest pinprick will damage it, but really thick. Rhinoceros thick. So that you can get punched around and punched around. Let me tell you, if you hope to be used by God, you need that kind of skin...The people who get the job done are those who are able to overlook all sorts of hurtful little comments people are going to make. When you walk through thorns, you have on heavy boots. You don't walk through thorns barefooted...at least not very far."
And of course, God's timing with my Jesus Calling Devotional is right on target:
WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such a great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. This ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in My image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly.
Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Ask My Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray- "Help me, Holy Spirit" before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of the discipline. Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If you are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are spirit-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of My Spirit. As positive speech patterns replace negative ones, the increase in your Joy will amaze you.
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Proverbs 12:18
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:1
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29
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