Trying to figure it all out.

I was looking back on my life from the past six months or so. A lot has CHANGED. I began Student Teaching, working 40 hours/week. I made an outline for a book I'd like to write. I stopped going to a church and Bible Study that I've been attending for a long time (out of obedience to God). I've decided to return to Africa again (which I never thought would happen). I'm open to possibly staying in Ghana, Africa longer than the team stays for 2 weeks if a door opens for me to help at the Orphanage we will be staying at and working with. I'm more open to the Spirit and following Him in a new way. I'm receiving prophecy from people that is coming to life. I'm potentially receiving the gifts of prophecy and speaking in tongues.

Through all of this change, I'm doing my best to pursue Him in it to figure out where He is leading me. I found myself today frustrated with the fact that right when I thought  I found a church that was a good fit for me(North Coast Calvary Chapel Carlsbad), I felt God leading me somewhere else (Vista Assembly of God). Today I felt discouraged that I wasn't plugged in at one church. I felt lost in a sense that I didn't have a church to call home. It was then that God gave me this word. "It's not about finding the right church, Katie. It's about seeking me in Spirit and truth. Pray about where I want you to be every week. Do you trust me? Focus on what is before you right now (Student teaching and Africa) and stop focusing on your discomfort and frustration of not being at a set church." I realized today that my circumstances have been controlling my attitude. I'm upset and frustrated because I feel lost without a home church, so I'm acting down and keeping to myself when I'm at home while I try to figure out what's causing me to feel this way. I'm learning that I need to accept change(s) that come my way, because clearly God's ways are different than mine.

In experiencing all of this change, I learned today that I've been allowing my circumstances dictate how I act. I responded to this change in frustration and confusion, so that is what shows on the outside. I keep to myself trying to figure it all out and miss out on loving my family and being others oriented because I'm caught up in trying to figure out what God is doing in my life. I learned today that He wants me to be content right where He has me, that I don't have to be doing something. I don't have to be anywhere but in His presence and seeking Him. Afterall, my path and His plan for me will be different than yours or anyone elses. So, ultimately it's me and God. I pray, ask Him for guidance, and follow His lead. Right now, that means no Bible Study and no home church. This is new to me, but it means that I am to study the Bible on my own, and trust Him. In learning to be content in the circumstances I'm in, the verse below came to mind.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-19 says: "Always be joyful.  Never stop praying. Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

This means, no matter what I'm going through, no matter how I feel deep down inside, I'm supposed to strive to be joyful, keep on praying, and give thanks to God. Wow, that's tough! I'm so thankful for this reminder though, because it makes me think about how my circumstances should not be dictating how I'm living my life and my feelings. It reminds me to lift my eyes up and fix my eyes on what matters most.

Proverbs 20:24 also comes to mind: "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How can anyone understand his own way?"

Who am I to try and figure out what God is up to in my life right now. I know that I'm confidently pursuing Him and seeking Him for guidance. In doing so, He's leading me into new things and testing my faith. And, instead of trying to figure it all out , I need to take it one day, one step, at a time. Trying to figure it all out gets me nowhere. Trusting in Him brings me peace.